Conversations With Sam
First watch, 1 bell (8:58 pm)

Sam is my younger brother, he used to live with me back in my wild bachelor days. I miss having him around to talk to. Here's our text conversation from today:

Sam: Holy crap. Happy birthday man!
Me: Thanks bro! I'm getting up there in years now
Sam: Yeah I hear that man. Not gettin younger or prettier
Me: Hey now. I'm far too pretty for my own good. Woody said he only married Jodie to be closer to me.
Sam: That's true you are one pretty man. He told me the same thing! Homewrecker!
Me: That slut!
Sam: I'm gonna have some words with that man whore
Me: You tell him girlfriend
Sam: Oh no he di-int
Me: Well I don't blame him too much. I am so very very pretty
Sam: Well he wanted to come see Watchmen tonight but now I think I'm just gonna slap his bald head
Me: Slap him in the back of the head, it's way funnier looking
Sam: Nice
Me: I'm so gonna blog this conversation
Sam: I'm thinking about a once or twice daily blog that tracks my bowel movements. I think I might impress someone out there
Me: OMFG I almost started a poop blog about a year ago. Anonymously, that is. No sense collecting weird fans.
Sam: Yeah I have a buddy that used to send me his best poops, he was really impressive too. Yeah, might be strange if someone recognized me when I'm at lucnh with mom. I used to have an employee who was a male stripper who got recognized all the time when he was out with his parents
Me: Did he take cell phone pics or something? I'm afraid of dropping my phone in the tank. I couldn't pick it up again. I'd just have to let it go
Sam: Yeah always with the phone. Once he made a video of it hitting the water. It was more ballsack than I ever wanted to see
Me: I don't even want to know how he got any light down there
Sam: Yeah he told me he used to stand up before he wiped so there was no TP in the photo too. I don't think I could do that
Me: Nasty man, real nasty. You sure this guy was a friend?
Sam: Co worker. One time I caught him dancing with his pants down in the office in front of security cameras to Michael Jackson's "Billy Jean." Strange kid
Me: Perhaps he needed stripper practice, or had an exhibition "streak." Probably wasn't held enough as a baby or something
Sam: More likely his parents didn't beat him enough
Me: Have you seen http://www.thebestpageintheuniverse.net/images/beatkid4.jpg
Sam: Yeah man I love that
Me: That dancing thing is what comes from guys watching shows like sex and the city you know
Sam: Yeah now that I think about it he was really flamboyant
Me: His mom probalby dressed him like a girl when he was younger
Sam: Yeah man. Pink Ties. It's really a sin
Me: He prolly never even got his man card, so he can't turn it in anyway
Sam: Nice
Me: I don't think they issue them to pink tie wearing bedwetters that get down to Michael Jackson
Sam: Yeah man he's gonna have to eat a whole deep fried turducken injected with jalapeno barbecue sauce to get back on track

2 Comments »

2 Responses to “Conversations With Sam”

  1. Laura says:

    Crazy-funny! I hope you had a really great birthday. Sorry I'm a couple days late - for some dumb reason Sweden doesn't put International Women's Day on the calendars - so I missed it. And they're supposed to be a feminist country. Hmm....

  2. Scurvy Jake says:

    That's okay. It is strange that Sweden doesn't put International Womens Day on their calendars…

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