The Killer Shrews
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First dog watch, 4 bells (6:26 pm)

I just finished watching (Attack of) The Killer Shrews, with a short film about Rodeo "daredevils" that was really lame. It got even less interesting when the narrator mentioned high school squaredancing.

Anyway, the Killer Shrews are not the wenchy, female type—we're talking about the little mouse type. Except not, because they're big. Dog-sized, in fact. And they barked exactly like dogs do, too. A man shows up on an island just before a hurricane strikes, where he's force to weather (hehe) an attack by mutated shrews. Their faces (the shrews) were pretty scary for a such a poor movie, especially considering how the rest of their costume just looked like a dog in a cheap rat suit.

So the hero is forced to save a scientist and his young, pert, blonde daughter from being rat food. Did I mention the shrews absorbed the poison the scientist put out for them, and now even their bite is lethal? Well, it's true. Thus our hero smokes and drinks his way into our hearts. He ends up saving everyone by welding (yes, he did find time to weld) several barrels together so they could hide under them and duck-walk out to the water, where they could swim to his boat.

I give this movie one hundred twenty seven empty seats, one for each actor in the film and one hundred twenty more for the cigarettes and martinis imbibed.

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Attack of the Giant Leeches
Posted in Reviews
First dog watch, 1 bell (4:48 pm)

I just finished Attack of the Giant Leeches. This movie was prefaced by the first short of Undersea Kingdom. Full of cheesy dialog and action, it's a trek into an advanced underwater Atlantis civilization.

As for the leeches, at least there were more than one. It's a redneck rampage in the swamp to hunt down killer giant leeches.

I can only give this movie two empty seats one for each garbage-bag clad actor portraying a giant leech.

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Being From Another World
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Afternoon watch, 6 bells (3:16 pm)

Ah yes, another wonderful piece of theatrical drivel called Being From Another World. It's about a mummy found in Tutankhamen's tomb. When five small gems are stolen from the sarcophagus, the mummy goes out searching for them, then uses the gems to power a space communicator to transport himself somewhere else.

I can barely give this movie five empty seats, for the "worthless" crystals the mummy/alien was willing to kill for.

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Teenagers from Outer Space
Posted in Reviews
Afternoon watch, 6 bells (3:10 pm)

I just finished watching Teenagers from Outer Space, a movie from the 50's about a young man from outer space that disagrees with the rest of the people from his planet and thinks that the Earth should be left alone because it shows signs of intelligent life.

He falls in love with a girl who's dog was disintegrated by his landing party, and they fight a giant lobster, then the teenage alien sacrifices himself by causing all the other invading flying saucers to crash into the one he was in.

This movie deserves only one empty seat, for the only teenager from outer space that I saw.

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City Limits
Posted in Reviews
Afternoon watch, 3 bells (1:32 pm)

I watched City Limits today, a typical 1980's post-apocalyptic piece of garbage starring (surprisingly) James Earl Jones and Kim Cattrall of all people. This movie was about a guy that rides a motorcycle that wants to be part of a scavenging gang and they fight this other gang and that's about all I can say about the movie other than it really sucked.

I give this movie six thousand empty seats, one for each time James Earl Jones wished he never agreed to be in this movie.

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The Giant Gila Monster
Posted in Reviews
Forenoon watch, 4 bells (10:19 am)

I've been really sick this weekend, so I thought I'd get back to watching some more MST3K, picking up where I left off at the beginning of season four with The Giant Gila Monster. It was your typical teen monster movie from the 50's with racing cars, pop songs, and overgrown gila monsters. Well, there was only one.

This movie was about a rampaging giant gila monster that knocked cars and trains over to get to the crunchy tasty people inside. The hero finally gets the monster by crashing his car into it with several containers of nitroglycerin. What a 1950's teen needs that much nitro for I have no idea, but it was a good thing he had it, or they'd have all been boned.

I give this movie four empty seats because I can't think of a better number.

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