Santa Claus Conquers the Martians
Posted in Reviews
Morning watch, 7 bells (7:40 am)

Oh boy, where do I start? I watched this movie last night in my continuing adventure to watch all of Mystery Science Theater 3000 from the beginning.

This steaming pile of holiday drivel was a terrible idea—unless you're a Martian I guess. Let me explain. The movie starts out on Mars, with little Martian children watching Earth-broadcast TV about the holidays and Santa Claus. Their parents, upset about them watching Earth TV but also upset because the children never laugh or play or have fun (never mind the fact that they have no toys!), decide to kidnap Santa and bring him to Mars to make the Martian children happy.

So they pop over in their rocket, and begin looking for Santa. When the find Santas all over the world, they kidnap two children and ask them about it. They reply that the real Santa lives at the North Pole, so the Martians take the children there. A goofy Martian servant, Droppo, provides the comedy relief when he hides in the "radar box" that houses the mechanism that protects the rocket from Earth radar.

The children escape the rocket, and are attacked by a super cheesy man in a polar bear suit. As Servo points out, you can even see the head piece overlapping the body. After their escape, the children run to Santa's workshop to warn him of the Martians. It doesn't work, and they all get taken by the Martians back to their own planet, where they treat Santa like royalty and provide a giant machine that makes toys by pushing buttons. Now, why they didn't use this for their children in the first place is beyond me.

One of the Martians, upset by all this holiday cheer, kidnaps Santa, but doesn't realize that it's Droppo in a Santa suit—the whole time he has him! When he returns to demand the rest of the Martians send Santa and the children back to Earth they pummel him with toys and he is knocked silly. Droppo escapes by switching two light bulbs around on a control panel (you think I'm kidding?) and everybody has a good laugh and Santa and the kids go back home.

I'm going to give this movie 0 empty seats—for the number of people that watch this every year as a Christmas tradition. Come on, there can't be anyone that does this…

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