Since I’m taking the day off today, I decided to sit back and watch another Mystery Science Theater 3000 episode. Today’s vile serving: one giant dose of terrible moving pictures.
Cave Dwellers is a cross between a very tiny amount of cavemen, a lot of medieval fantasy with swords and a little magic, and someone’s limited film-making experience. It’s full of poorly staged sword fights, way too much pausing between words of nearly-inaudible dialog, and even has a samurai mime. But wait, that’s not all. Included free with this film are a genuine 18th century castle, an extremely long hang-gliding scene, and something called the nucleus that is much bigger than a real nucleus and is somehow related to the plot.
Speaking of the plot, here’s a run-down. Father tells daughter of the power of the nucleus. It’s not clear whether he created it or found it. Bad guy comes to steal it and tortures father. Daughter runs off to “the ends of the Earth” to find the hero, who happened to live in a cave not far from the castle she lived in. She takes an arrow to the chest and limps into the cave to be saved by the hero. Why the arrow causes her to limp is unexplained. Hero heals her, goes back with her to save her father and prevent bad guy from taking the nucleus. Lots of dull fighting ensues. Hero’s party is jumped by a gang of samurai in the woods, one of which happens to also be a mime. They get to the castle, and the hero decides to send the girl and his friend in through the not-so-secret entrance while he distracts the guards with his hang glider. Hero kills the bad guy, destroys the nucleus, and leaves the girl at home because his life is “too dangerous” for her to be a part of.
Personally, I think he was gay. Likewise, so was this movie. If it wasn’t for Joel and the robots making fun of it, I’d have strangled myself before I got to the end. I rate this movie about 278 empty seats, roughly the number of odd pauses in the dialog by the terrible actors.